JULY NINETH, TWENTY TWENTY

hello. im getting in the habit where i forget about this for two/three months then come back and just ramble. so here we are. its thursday. my lease is up in six days. im going to live with my sister and her family. i get my own room so thats comforting. moving is a lot of work though. today i cancelled all my services except for internet, that i have to cancel the day of. tomorrow were going to my cousins house then saturday my brother in law is going to come over and help me move all my stuff. i have mostly everything bagged/boxed up. theres just the random books, clothes, and shoes that are splayed about. i sent my passport in finally. i just want to move to romania. hopefully itll be soon. anyways thats enough from me for tonight. going to watch umbrella academy season one, play wordscapes and fall asleep.

MAY TENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

and just like that i forgot to write. its a little after half past nine pm. im watching defending jacob wondering what life will be like after.. the only thing that brings me joy now is buying things and having them come in the mail. i havent bought anything in a couple days though so theres that. dont have much to say other than.. im lonely and alone.

MARCH TWENTIETH, TWENTY TWENTY

omg hello! i almost forgot to write. its eight pm. ive been playing animal crossing All Day. i love it so much. im kind of cheating but whatever. i want to get stuff done! it was really nice today so i put on my bathing suit top and played acnh outside. made some ramen earlier and now i just made some tea. thats it. im going to play and watch twitch for the rest of the night.
tarot card of the day: the wheel of fortune from celestial tarot deck
"on a divinatory level this card suggests that the fortunes of the individuals life are shifting, often without their choosing."

MARCH NINETEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

hello. day four. t-minus ten hours until animal crossing drops.. hopefully it drops before midnight ya never know. im typing this outside on the deck. its really nice out. warm and little sunny but some cloud coverage so its not too bright. this morning i made coffee took a shower went to trader joes and whole foods to get the last of the items that i needed. then i think im not leaving the house. im just getting really anxious. i have a weird feeling in my nose. hopefully it is just allergies but you never know. i was going to go to kendalls tomorrow but i might cancel. staying positive and calm.
tarot card of the day: five of cups reversed from the beginners tarot deck
"the reversed five of cups suggests that you have recently suffered a personal setback or disappointment. you may worry that you are a failture and dont want to let others know youve taken the wrong path. or you may not be ready to admit it to others and are choosing to keep your feelings to yourself instead. however, now might be the time to open up. people around you may not see how much pain youre in right now, so dont be afraid to ask for help or talk with someone you trust; you may feel it lessens the emotional pain."

MARCH EIGHTEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

day three! had a cup of coffee and drank it on the deck while playing animal crossing. did some of the work training. the internet went out and i went over to my friends house. we sat outside and drank wine then watch love is blind and 90 day fiance. she made dinner, it was SO good. she made risotto and green beans then we watched silent hill. that shit is so dark. time to watch the office and be happy again. almost time for animal crossing!
tarot card of the day: four of swords from the kawaii tarot deck
"the four of swords, representing order and stability, combied with the tumultuous nature of the swords, offers you rest from the battles in life. enjoy this moment of peace. the four of swords may also point to recovery from illness. in some cases the four of swords calls for a need for introspection and seclusion, a time to reevaluate life. look inward to ground yourself."

MARCH SEVENTEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

hello again. today went by pretty fast. i woke up at around 10am. took a shower. made some coffee, i did about ten minutes of yoga/stretching outside. it was very quick because im very out of shape but those few stretches made me feel a lot better so i think i will continue to do about ten minutes outside every day and try to increase the amount of time little by little. after i did that i made and ate ramen. watched some tv, slept a little bit. then the sun was shining so beautifully at about 6pm so i decided to walk outside over to the cemetary and stayed there for about ten minutes. i worked on my pocket camp a little bit, texted. i called my grandma earlier too. then i just made spaghetti, washed my face and facetimed my sister and the kids. i talked to my sister and i might go over there on sunday or maybe monday to give myself an extra day to play animal crossing. tomorrow im not sure what ill do. itll be good.
tarot card of the day: the chariot from the kawaii tarot deck
"the chariot is the triumphal card of the tarot. to be victorious, you must have unwavering confidence in your cause and never lose focus on your purpose. this card holds a lot of energy, though not in every direction- for the chariot, the only way to go is forward and toward success."

MARCH SIXTEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

hello world! first day of social distancing is under way. my work announced yesterday that we were closing all of our shops for two weeks with paid leave. i went to walmart this morning and did the last of my grocery shopping, got tampons, jelly, toilet paper, and sandwich bread. im not sure what ill do today. its pretty cold and cloudy so i might just stay inside. i made some coffee and just finished my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. i know these two weeks will go by so fast but i want them to last. i want to find myself again. this is a testament that i Will start reading a book and i Will do a tarot card for every single day. i will also write here every single day too. i might not on march twentieth because the new animal crossing is coming out, but every other day i will. stay safe.
tarot card of the day: the empress from celestial tarot deck
"venus governs the empress, the equal partner of the emperor, the feminine ruler, and head of state. venus is the goddess of love, sexuality, and beauty whose cult was universal in the ancient world. on an oracular level she predicts a phase of growth and abundance, a desire to be creative, and an urge to be involved passionately both physically and cerebrally."

MARCH FIFTH, TWENTY TWENTY

wooo its march. mom and dad left a week or so ago. im missing them but im so excited to move. i cleaned out the boxes under my bed and my closet. i need to start packing. the lease here ends mid july. i cant wait to start over and live with my parents again and just work on the farm.

JANUARY THIRTEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

wow cannot believe this is the first time im writing in twentytwenty. this year has been pure chaos and depression since the start. i am always so depressed and willing to kill myself at any inconvience but when my own mortality is out of my minds control i spiral. anyways im home alone until thursday. i just took a shower and now im doing a facemask and watching criminal minds. i have work tomorrow from nine to five but im off on wednesday. we'll see if i hang out with my friend on wednesday. i think me and one of my coworkers are going to hang out on friday so thats something to look forward to. calina is having her baby in a week and i pick up mom and dad from charlotte the day after. im ready to have the week off of work. i miss my parents, theyre angels. ill talk later. im going to write in my journal too. what if i lose this site? i need a physical copy.

DECEMBER TWENTYFIRST, TWENTY NINETEEN

i definitely thought i wrote here more recently. oops. anyways life has not been going well. i had a mental breakdown on wednesday. went to the art museum after i was at work for like two hours. cleared my head a little. saw beautiful things wrote some stuff. then... im friend forgot we had plans and i lost it. it just made me realize that im super forgetable. computers restarting ill continue in a second. okay im back. yeah so had a breakdown very suicidal. oh also before this i watched everybodys everything w lil peep and life has not been the same since then. it fucked me up so much. i miss him every second of the day.theres not a day where i dont think about him. i got emmas book though. she signed it :) but its going to be very hard to read. so yeah. rough month. xmas is in four days. im not that excited which is sad. i miss my parents. but im kind of thinking about staying in america. we will see. i havent thought about it a lot. i also got two stick and pokes yesterday. lex did them for me. theyre amazing. i got a dragonfly on my hand and the pluto sign on my finger. im thinking about buying my own stuff to start doing them but rachel said i should definitely research it before i do anything. shes right shes always right. i hung out with her and max today. okay well technically yesterday because its 1248a right now on the twenty first. thats all ive got. talk to you later.

NOVEMBER TWELFTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

the clock just struck midnight crazy. im updating my site. im starting to like the look of it. i miss the full freedom of this webpage. getting to entirely control your coding is so fun and there are endless possibilities. i like carrd and ive been using it a lot and am very satisfied with it. but now that im satisfied with that i have to keep on working and learning. life is going ok my birthday is in four days. how unbelievable. twenty six years old. who would have thought. its officially holiday season at work and its getting craaaazy. i enjoy it. staying busy. disney plus starts today. i looked at the exact time and itll be available here at six am. i wonder if ill be able to download the app on my tv. we shall see. anyways. been suicidal lately like always. also been a cold heartless bitch lately. love it. see ya xoxo.

SEPTEMBER TWENTYNINETH, TWENTY NINETEEN

cant believe how long its been. what. months. how odd. life has been alright. some times have been good, but ive made it out alive. hope to see the sun again.

JULY TWENTYSEVENTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

long time no talk. my parents moved. im an emotional wreck. i feel sad. i had three days off of work this week and today was my first day back. i was off. i just want to be there with them. i want to live on the farm and help them. a little less than a year though. i have to pay off my debt and then ill be golden. wish me luck.

JUNE EIGHTEENTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

mid-june. here i am. ive been coasting thru life these past weeks. nothing eventful, nothing totally depressing either. just listening to my music, working, and hanging out with my family. im enjoying the little bits. i have the day off today. ive been playing lots of animal crossing lately and its making me feel so wholesome and at peace. video games are truly comforting. i might work on some playlists today too. ive been listening to the same one for two weeks now. its time for a switch-up. thats all from me for now.

MAY TWENTYFIRST, TWENTY NINETEEN

hi! i havent written in a while. ive been just coasting through life these past few days. my parents are moving and no ones really talking about it so thats cool. like we're helping them move and get everything out of the house to move to an apartment close to my new place and its just super odd. ill miss that house more than anything. i grew up there i found myself there. but clearly the walls dont matter what happened in those walls is what matters. and my dad basically made an identical twin to this house in romania so itll be similar but not the same. im having a good time. my life is pretty content rn. i have my coffee im clean and i have work in two hours and fifteen minutes. its only a five hour shift and then i have the next two days off! also pay day is in two days. if i budgeted correctly i should be able to pay all of my bills comfortably. bless 'everydollar' who was i before it ya know. anyways talk later. safe travels.

MAY NINETH, TWENTY NINETEEN

im watching 'the case against adnan syed' and watching the pain that it brings his father that he is in jail. i had a deep sense of trouble and understanding that i cannot die, not yet. i cannot imagine what it would do to my dad. he loves me so much. he loves me more than anything and if theres one thing in this whole world i have to live for, its him. i cant leave him. i never want to leave me. he is my hero and the love of my life my best friend. i dont know what he would do and it gives me great relief that he has probably never thought about what he would do if i killed myself. i live for him. i may give him trouble, we may fight, we may see the whole completely different from each other, but he is my maker and my flesh and blood and he gives me all the strength in the world to keep going and to get out of bed every day. dad i love you and i live for you always.

MAY SECOND, TWENTY NINETEEN

all is well. just sitting here drinking coffee watching svu. its thursday and i have the day off. i am getting dinner tonight w my mom at a place called red bowl. i dont know what ill do w my day today. yesterday we thought we would have to put down keke but she lives to see another day.

APRIL TWENTY EIGHTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

not much to say. i am reading vodka's writings and wow.. we are similar. except im not homicidal

reading vodka's writings and i stumble upon....

APRIL TWENTY SIXTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

hello. i decided to not post everyday. its not necessary. i dont have much to talk about. i dont want to document every single minute detail of my life bc honestly my future self wont care that i just ate an entire tub of ben and jerrys ice cream. its unworthy. i did see endgame though and cried like a baby. but had the overwhelming feeling that someone would come into the movie theater and start shooting. thats just how america is now. any minute.. BANG.

APRIL TWENTY FOURTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

today was casual. hung out w my friend. went to get drinks. went to hemp store. got hemp cigarettes. got incense. got sweatpants and earrings. now im eating pizza in bed and watching law and order: svu. i really want to work on the podcast w my roommate but i think shes sleeping. i want to get a desk so i can write on a flat surface. i really want a desktop. how cool. how classic. just like eric. i had class this morning and only have one left this semester. i dont think ill go back next semester im over it. i only have to do an internship but that means less hours at work. but it means helping people. who knows. lets see if i last that long.

APRIL TWENTY THIRD, TWENTY NINETEEN

hello this is my first writing. im feeling lots of intense feelings. but. at the same time- i surpress these. dont feel. it exposes too much. too many wounds. too many traumas. too many. however im alive. im here head a little throbbing but here and thats enough right now.

this is a few hours later and i cant seem to sleep. or stop myself from editing this. making it perfect. for who? myself. im the only thing that matters and money and material items. sadly. ive resorted to trival material possessions.

disorganized thought