JANUARY THIRTEENTH, TWENTY TWENTY

wow cannot believe this is the first time im writing in twentytwenty. this year has been pure chaos and depression since the start. i am always so depressed and willing to kill myself at any inconvience but when my own mortality is out of my minds control i spiral. anyways im home alone until thursday. i just took a shower and now im doing a facemask and watching criminal minds. i have work tomorrow from nine to five but im off on wednesday. we'll see if i hang out with my friend on wednesday. i think me and one of my coworkers are going to hang out on friday so thats something to look forward to. calina is having her baby in a week and i pick up mom and dad from charlotte the day after. im ready to have the week off of work. i miss my parents, theyre angels. ill talk later. im going to write in my journal too. what if i lose this site? i need a physical copy.

DECEMBER TWENTYFIRST, TWENTY NINETEEN

i definitely thought i wrote here more recently. oops. anyways life has not been going well. i had a mental breakdown on wednesday. went to the art museum after i was at work for like two hours. cleared my head a little. saw beautiful things wrote some stuff. then... im friend forgot we had plans and i lost it. it just made me realize that im super forgetable. computers restarting ill continue in a second. okay im back. yeah so had a breakdown very suicidal. oh also before this i watched everybodys everything w lil peep and life has not been the same since then. it fucked me up so much. i miss him every second of the day.theres not a day where i dont think about him. i got emmas book though. she signed it :) but its going to be very hard to read. so yeah. rough month. xmas is in four days. im not that excited which is sad. i miss my parents. but im kind of thinking about staying in america. we will see. i havent thought about it a lot. i also got two stick and pokes yesterday. lex did them for me. theyre amazing. i got a dragonfly on my hand and the pluto sign on my finger. im thinking about buying my own stuff to start doing them but rachel said i should definitely research it before i do anything. shes right shes always right. i hung out with her and max today. okay well technically yesterday because its 1248a right now on the twenty first. thats all ive got. talk to you later.

NOVEMBER TWELFTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

the clock just struck midnight crazy. im updating my site. im starting to like the look of it. i miss the full freedom of this webpage. getting to entirely control your coding is so fun and there are endless possibilities. i like carrd and ive been using it a lot and am very satisfied with it. but now that im satisfied with that i have to keep on working and learning. life is going ok my birthday is in four days. how unbelievable. twenty six years old. who would have thought. its officially holiday season at work and its getting craaaazy. i enjoy it. staying busy. disney plus starts today. i looked at the exact time and itll be available here at six am. i wonder if ill be able to download the app on my tv. we shall see. anyways. been suicidal lately like always. also been a cold heartless bitch lately. love it. see ya xoxo.

SEPTEMBER TWENTYNINETH, TWENTY NINETEEN

cant believe how long its been. what. months. how odd. life has been alright. some times have been good, but ive made it out alive. hope to see the sun again.

JULY TWENTYSEVENTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

long time no talk. my parents moved. im an emotional wreck. i feel sad. i had three days off of work this week and today was my first day back. i was off. i just want to be there with them. i want to live on the farm and help them. a little less than a year though. i have to pay off my debt and then ill be golden. wish me luck.

JUNE EIGHTEENTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

mid-june. here i am. ive been coasting thru life these past weeks. nothing eventful, nothing totally depressing either. just listening to my music, working, and hanging out with my family. im enjoying the little bits. i have the day off today. ive been playing lots of animal crossing lately and its making me feel so wholesome and at peace. video games are truly comforting. i might work on some playlists today too. ive been listening to the same one for two weeks now. its time for a switch-up. thats all from me for now.

MAY TWENTYFIRST, TWENTY NINETEEN

hi! i havent written in a while. ive been just coasting through life these past few days. my parents are moving and no ones really talking about it so thats cool. like we're helping them move and get everything out of the house to move to an apartment close to my new place and its just super odd. ill miss that house more than anything. i grew up there i found myself there. but clearly the walls dont matter what happened in those walls is what matters. and my dad basically made an identical twin to this house in romania so itll be similar but not the same. im having a good time. my life is pretty content rn. i have my coffee im clean and i have work in two hours and fifteen minutes. its only a five hour shift and then i have the next two days off! also pay day is in two days. if i budgeted correctly i should be able to pay all of my bills comfortably. bless 'everydollar' who was i before it ya know. anyways talk later. safe travels.

MAY NINETH, TWENTY NINETEEN

im watching 'the case against adnan syed' and watching the pain that it brings his father that he is in jail. i had a deep sense of trouble and understanding that i cannot die, not yet. i cannot imagine what it would do to my dad. he loves me so much. he loves me more than anything and if theres one thing in this whole world i have to live for, its him. i cant leave him. i never want to leave me. he is my hero and the love of my life my best friend. i dont know what he would do and it gives me great relief that he has probably never thought about what he would do if i killed myself. i live for him. i may give him trouble, we may fight, we may see the whole completely different from each other, but he is my maker and my flesh and blood and he gives me all the strength in the world to keep going and to get out of bed every day. dad i love you and i live for you always.

MAY SECOND, TWENTY NINETEEN

all is well. just sitting here drinking coffee watching svu. its thursday and i have the day off. i am getting dinner tonight w my mom at a place called red bowl. i dont know what ill do w my day today. yesterday we thought we would have to put down keke but she lives to see another day.

APRIL TWENTY EIGHTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

not much to say. i am reading vodka's writings and wow.. we are similar. except im not homicidal

reading vodka's writings and i stumble upon....

APRIL TWENTY SIXTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

hello. i decided to not post everyday. its not necessary. i dont have much to talk about. i dont want to document every single minute detail of my life bc honestly my future self wont care that i just ate an entire tub of ben and jerrys ice cream. its unworthy. i did see endgame though and cried like a baby. but had the overwhelming feeling that someone would come into the movie theater and start shooting. thats just how america is now. any minute.. BANG.

APRIL TWENTY FOURTH, TWENTY NINETEEN

today was casual. hung out w my friend. went to get drinks. went to hemp store. got hemp cigarettes. got incense. got sweatpants and earrings. now im eating pizza in bed and watching law and order: svu. i really want to work on the podcast w my roommate but i think shes sleeping. i want to get a desk so i can write on a flat surface. i really want a desktop. how cool. how classic. just like eric. i had class this morning and only have one left this semester. i dont think ill go back next semester im over it. i only have to do an internship but that means less hours at work. but it means helping people. who knows. lets see if i last that long.

APRIL TWENTY THIRD, TWENTY NINETEEN

hello this is my first writing. im feeling lots of intense feelings. but. at the same time- i surpress these. dont feel. it exposes too much. too many wounds. too many traumas. too many. however im alive. im here head a little throbbing but here and thats enough right now.

this is a few hours later and i cant seem to sleep. or stop myself from editing this. making it perfect. for who? myself. im the only thing that matters and money and material items. sadly. ive resorted to trival material possessions.

disorganized thought